 “New Rule: Don’t shit where you eat. But everything else is up for grabs. Even the subway. I took a dump the other day. It felt good! And yes, I know it was in public. Why did I do it? Because I can. Can you? Probably not. So before you go analyzing my anal activities, why don’t you face up to the fact that you’re. Just. Jealous. There, I said it. And you know it’s true. You just can’t stand someone with as much self respect as I have doing my routine wherever I please. Like a king. You know, there are bathrooms for a reason. For the rest of society. I, for one, will not lower myself to being one of you. And for those who have enough respect to ask how it was, I’ll tell you. It was big, wet, and flaccid. Okayyy.”
 “New rule: Ladies. If you like what you see, you better get in line. Saying no to raisins has revamped more than just my weight. I smell better! It turns out that only fat people eat oatmeal raisin cookies and rum raisin ice cream for dinner and midnight dinner. Apparently, they do little for your pits, dick, and tits. Now I eat steak like Jordan Peterson and the only thing thick on me is my shaft rocket. So please, stop acting like you’re the hot one in this interaction. You know you can’t wait to get a whiff. And If you want me to welcome you with open arms, I have one request. Blow your nose first. I want you to savor the moment. Don’t waste my time. Okayyy.”
“New Rule: If you don’t want to f*ck me... and let’s be real. Who does? Can you at least buy me a burger? I go out of my way to walk up to you after my paynus (penis) gets the giggle and the wiggle and the best you can do is get disgusted? Listen. I don’t need your dusty, never do well vagina to have a good life. I have The Food Network and Pork Rinds. And if you do invite me over, please don’t get weird if I ask to see your leftovers. Why do you think I was staring at your ass? It’s a tell all sign. Big ass, big fridge. And you know you’re not going to eat it all anyway. So please... stop pretending you don’t like a man that can eat his weight in food. You’re not all that and a bag of chips, but if you are I’ll take the chips. It’ll go well with the burger. Okayyy.”
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