Mr. Feeny: Eric. I welcome you on this day of celebration into The Fellowship. I have invited very few men into it over the years but you’ve proven your worth. You’re loyal as a dog Eric. A bit dog like in other ways but, alas, you’re a good man. Your father raised you right.
Eric: Thank you Mr. Feeny. I’m truly honored. And, to think, you invited me before Corey. That’s the best part of all of this.
Mr. Feeny. Now now. That’s not what this is about. It has nothing to do with brotherly competition. You just seem ready. But I do have some questions for you to make sure you’re on the right path. A Feeny Fellow stays on the straight and narrow.
Answer all of these as direct and forceful as you can. Speak loudly and proudly. You are a Feeny Fellow after all. I want to hear it in your voice.
First, do you jerk it?
Eric: Umm. Like wack off? I’ve done it before a couple times. Yes.
Mr. Feeny: Stop doing that. It’s an insult to your intelligence.
Eric: Umm. Ok Mr. Feeny. If you say so.
Mr Feeny: Furthermore, you’ll feel cleaner and more up to the tasks of life if you don’t have to clean yourself up after a big sloppy. If you know what I mean. Not that I’ve ever done that. But I can imagine that it doesn’t lend to feeling sparkly. Do you want to feel sloppy Eric? Is that the mindset of a Feeny Fellow?
Eric: (Yelling) No sir! I will accomplish this prerequisite!
Mr. Feeny: Eric. You’re going to go very far as a Feeny Fellow. Now, try on these spectacles.
“Eric. What you heard should not be uttered to the one you love. The stars of heaven do not look upon nature with disgust. Therefore, you should realize the true beauty in a queef. It is not something to be looked down upon nor is it something to hope for, expect, and put on a pedestal. It is like a rain storm. We may not ask for it, but how beautiful it can be when it thunders. Like a sunset on the ocean, queef queef, in the midst of a coral reef. Thou knows himself by knowing the waves of a woman. ‘Tis not the stars that lead the way in love but the sparkle in her eyes. A queef is the sound of the sparkle of life. Treasure it. Cherish it. But don’t ever try to find it because that will always seem creepy.”