 Only respect for Eric Weinstein. Simply satire. “As I enter her moist rotunda, I feel deep gratitude that I have taken it upon myself to be with her. Here. Within this particular sphere of existence. In the mud of her vagina, I become earth. What treasures will nature offer me? That depends on how long I last in the jungle. Will I seek temporary deprivation in order to last longer and, finally, at a moments notice, rain on her forest like a force of nature? In the gemstones of her mind, I am the universe. In the swirl of my urethra, she is the conductor. Drawing out my moist, viscous pleasure. Prodding me to scream victoriously. While I do enjoy it, I must temper my pleasure like an iron rod of honor. For my arousal is but a pin drop in the symphony that is our sex. The timpani is pounding and my thunderous trombone wants to belt out its own tune but I refrain. I prolong the dance with hushed silence. Capping off my spout with thoughts of sports and science. But just when the time is right. Victorious symbiosis. I cement my manhood on her belly. And now I sing.”
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 “It’s almost Gay October. A time when leaves fall and penises are ok wherever they wander. Although it’s nearing, I wonder if I’m prepared to be an ally if I haven’t ever sucked one back after a hard days work. Support is one thing but how can you fully support if you have spent your whole life barring yourself from partaking? A man is fine sharing a beer with his mates but how bout something more intimate? Oh that’s too far you might say. Oh what if I don’t like the taste? What will my friends say? Bloody hell, what will my wife say? Fuck your wife! And fuck your friends I tell you. I’m speaking both sarcastic and literally. You can have both in your life. And life isn’t always about you. I may shy away at the thought of taking a thick spray to the face but dammit, I’ve watched women do it on the internet. And if they can do it, why can’t I? Oh you have to go to work? Fuck off. How long does it take to fizz his pants seltzer? Life will give you excuses but sometimes you gotta grab life by the horns. Suck it up. And take one for the team. Plus, how bad can it taste anyway?”
“Jerry, I just don't know! I tried doing the opposite of everything I know and it worked once. We went to the diner and instead of my usual chicken sandwich on rye and coffee I went with tuna and tea and met that woman. We only made it to second base! You know what! I'm doing double opposite George, Jerry!” George storms out the apartment and runs into Newman in the hallway and the mailbag spills everywhere. They start screaming at each other but George doubles down on his idea. He says "Newman I hate your guts, but a Double Opposite George now wants your nuts." They go back to Newman's and things get wild. After the encounter, George runs back to Jerry's apartment with his hair all messed up and the gang is all there. Kramer says "Wow George, you really look like a new man!"
*Cue bass guitar*  “Men have nipples. Does that mean I want to fuck my mates? No sir. Yet, it would be perfectly ok if I did. If you get horny at the sight of a female breast, it’s time to look in the mirror and realize that you’re a sinner with big meaty pepperonis yourself. If you must, stare at those. There’s no difference. I used to be like you. Then I weaned on my own nipples.”
“It doesn’t take a gay man to know that a handy is dandy. It doesn’t take a lesbian to realize pussy is delicious. These truths are self evident.”
“To that woman at the park offering her man fat-free cheese on whole grain bread: How dare you?”
“To the man trying to lose weight that asked for the check before his friends could order dessert: You should be ashamed.” “Where dinner falls short for men everywhere: I’ll be there.” “If I see a real bitch say he’s only getting salad, I’ll be there to order him nachos with extra sour cream.” “If I see a wife close the menu on him when you know he wants dessert, expect 10 scoops and whipped cream to be coming his way.” “Some say I’m a hero. Some say I’m a god. I call it ice cream social justice.” “Of course I could eat the whole pie but everybody deserves a slice of it. That’s why I eat before dinner.”  Oh hey. Thanks for having good taste. This was written by a wasted member of our team. Take it with a grain of salt and maybe a bit of grain as some of it appears to be senseless. Enjoy.
Satire: John Goodman and The Gay Men Roseanne gets high on sleeping pills, and it doesn't matter if you're naughty or nice. She starts attacking everyone, lashing out anyway she can. He decides he can fit down any chimney with Santa attire. So he plumes a neighborhood chimney and gets stuck. It's a disaster. He didnt know, but this house is a gay sex orgy cult. They start licking and lubing his asshole up and down. He finally slides down covered in spit. He says "I'm a good man, but now I'm a Gay man!"  That Was My Tonight by Goth Brooks
Verse 1: “I’m a starving artist. I make art not to please, but to disease. I’m a glance of time in a sea of darkness. Go on babe, I’ll shut the door myself.” Chorus: “I stuck my dick in a pie! Cus she said goodbye. I know I started to cry! But it felt right. That was my tonight!” “That was my tonight!” “Go on babe.” “That was my tonight!” Verse 2: “Feelings of apple. Sugar and whipped cream. Better than your love. The one that left me. Now I feel like a mess. The one that you left. Go on babe. I’ll shut the door myself.” Chorus “I stuck my dick in a pie! Cus she said goodbye. I know I started to cry! But it felt right. That was my tonight!” “That was my tonight!” “Go on babe.” “That was my tonight!” Only Satire. Not endorsed by or affiliated with Amazon. Pizza Delivery Guy: “Hey Danny D, the pizza’s on me. I’ll be honest. For the last several of your multiple large cheese orders, I flopped a dick on top of at least one pie. I hope you’ll accept my apology and not tell my boss. I’ll be paying for this order. My conscience couldn’t handle it anymore and I felt it was the right thing to do. If you don’t accept this pizza, I more than understand.”
Danny Devito: “Who gives a fuck? You gave yourself a greasy dick.” Pizza Delivery Guy: (Lost for words) “Do you go down on your girlfriend? Don’t you put your dick there too? What difference does it make?” Pizza Delivery Guy: (Lost for words) “Most of the population have had dicks in their mouth so you’re gonna have to try harder to gross me out. Otherwise, try to get the pizza here in under 40 minutes if you want to get a tip.” |
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