Satire: Fat Bill Maher Slims Down on The No Raisins Diet

“New rule: Ladies. If you like what you see, you better get in line. Saying no to raisins has revamped more than just my weight. I smell better! It turns out that only fat people eat oatmeal raisin cookies and rum raisin ice cream for dinner and midnight dinner. Apparently, they do little for your pits, dick, and tits. Now I eat steak like Jordan Peterson and the only thing thick on me is my shaft rocket. So please, stop acting like you’re the hot one in this interaction. You know you can’t wait to get a whiff. And If you want me to welcome you with open arms, I have one request. Blow your nose first. I want you to savor the moment. Don’t waste my time. Okayyy.”