Satire: General Patton Oswalt Savages a Bowl of Raisin Bran

“It was 6:30 in the morning and I was navigating a stormy sea of milk in a frosty bowl of Raisin Bran. Life is what you make it, not what you’re given. ‘Don’t eat the raisins!’ I screamed to myself as I avoided every last one of those sweet icebergs. ‘Keep going’, I whispered into the bowl as I chewed fiercely through the fiber of war. Another crunch. Another munch. It sounded like thunder and sodomy. Yet, just a typical day for a savage like myself. This is not pasta. This is real life. This is bran. Not only did I have to dodge the floating raisins but waves of milk were on the horizon. At one point, my spoon moved too aggressively and a platoon of milk spilled over the side of the bowl. The table was a casualty I had to accept. Victory was still within my grasp as
I held the dry side of the bowl and drank the milk straight, filtering out all raisins that seeked entry with my clenched teeth. I added more sugar to weather the storm. Anything to give a glimpse of hope. It worked. A smile returned to my face. ‘I can do this!’ I pleaded to myself. A drop of milk landed on my cheek from the air. Ah! Enemy fire. In a fleeting moment of weakness, I had the thought of surrender. That faded quickly like flatulence during a hike. ‘I will not be a turncoat!’ I scowled into the brisk air. My instincts kicked in. I needed back up. Grabbing another spoon, I double fisted bran and milk into my face. Not stopping until victory emerged. Sensing the battle was over, I stopped and looked at what was left of the war zone. A bowl of milk bogged raisins. This is what men are made of, I thought to myself. I’m not just a man though. I am a conqueror. I stuck to my word and no raisins were consumed. Savage yes. But one with morality. That is I. To all the onlookers that think this was easy, let it be known that humble men make difficult tasks look like eating cake. And this certainly was not cake. I leave you today with this poignant bit of wisdom: Some joke about crying over spilled milk, but they have not seen the face of war. Be well.”