Mr. Feeny: Eric. I welcome you on this day of celebration into The Fellowship. I have invited very few men into it over the years but you’ve proven your worth. You’re loyal as a dog Eric. A bit dog like in other ways but, alas, you’re a good man. Your father raised you right.
Eric: Thank you Mr. Feeny. I’m truly honored. And, to think, you invited me before Corey. That’s the best part of all of this.
Mr. Feeny. Now now. That’s not what this is about. It has nothing to do with brotherly competition. You just seem ready. But I do have some questions for you to make sure you’re on the right path. A Feeny Fellow stays on the straight and narrow.
Answer all of these as direct and forceful as you can. Speak loudly and proudly. You are a Feeny Fellow after all. I want to hear it in your voice.
First, do you jerk it?
Eric: Umm. Like wack off? I’ve done it before a couple times. Yes.
Mr. Feeny: Stop doing that. It’s an insult to your intelligence.
Eric: Umm. Ok Mr. Feeny. If you say so.
Mr Feeny: Furthermore, you’ll feel cleaner and more up to the tasks of life if you don’t have to clean yourself up after a big sloppy. If you know what I mean. Not that I’ve ever done that. But I can imagine that it doesn’t lend to feeling sparkly. Do you want to feel sloppy Eric? Is that the mindset of a Feeny Fellow?
Eric: (Yelling) No sir! I will accomplish this prerequisite!
Mr. Feeny: Eric. You’re going to go very far as a Feeny Fellow. Now, try on these spectacles.
“Joe. My point is really a question. What if? What if penis is man’s rocket to the moon so to speak. Or to Mars. Or to Jupiter. I’m speaking metaphorically of course but stay with me. Because metaphors explain the undertones of reality, especially when the science is not yet feasible. Or even explainable. My theory is that throughout history, the concept of space has really been built on the longing and distant quest for a woman’s vagina. The vagina of now, one might say. The manhole of the universe.”
So I was l hungry late at night and the only place open was Burger King.... She should be called "The Burger Queen". Well, let me explain my story... The dining room was still open, and she was the only one working the cash register. She had molasses hazel brown eyes that would make your jaw drop. And speaking of jaw dropping, I got the Spicy RODEOÂ® Crispy Mystery Meat Sandwich made with breaded 100% deer meat seasoned racoon filet, topped with 3 half-strips of thick-cut smoked turkey bacon, crispy onion rings, tangy soy sauce, creamy man mayonnaise and American Cheese on all white bread. I woofed it down, but boy did I have to use the bathroom. I went to the bathroom and was on the toilet and there was no toilet paper. I pulled my pants up and awkwardly walked to the register and asked the cute girl if they had any toilet paper. She said "Follow me". We went back to the bathroom and she said to drop my pants and get on the toilet. She dipped two fingers into the toilet and then shoved it up my ass. And it was wash, rinse, and repeat. After a few times, she said "You're fully clean, I enjoyed being your human bidet!" We walked out of the bathroom. She went back to the register, and I went home. I have been to the Burger King a few times since and she wasn't there. So if you this ad please contact me.
Only respect for Eric Weinstein. Simply satire.
“As I enter her moist rotunda, I feel deep gratitude that I have taken it upon myself to be with her. Here. Within this particular sphere of existence. In the mud of her vagina, I become earth. What treasures will nature offer me? That depends on how long I last in the jungle. Will I seek temporary deprivation in order to last longer and, finally, at a moments notice, rain on her forest like a force of nature? In the gemstones of her mind, I am the universe. In the swirl of my urethra, she is the conductor. Drawing out my moist, viscous pleasure. Prodding me to scream victoriously. While I do enjoy it, I must temper my pleasure like an iron rod of honor. For my arousal is but a pin drop in the symphony that is our sex. The timpani is pounding and my thunderous trombone wants to belt out its own tune but I refrain. I prolong the dance with hushed silence. Capping off my spout with thoughts of sports and science. But just when the time is right. Victorious symbiosis. I cement my manhood on her belly. And now I sing.”
“It’s almost Gay October. A time when leaves fall and penises are ok wherever they wander. Although it’s nearing, I wonder if I’m prepared to be an ally if I haven’t ever sucked one back after a hard days work. Support is one thing but how can you fully support if you have spent your whole life barring yourself from partaking? A man is fine sharing a beer with his mates but how bout something more intimate? Oh that’s too far you might say. Oh what if I don’t like the taste? What will my friends say? Bloody hell, what will my wife say? Fuck your wife! And fuck your friends I tell you. I’m speaking both sarcastic and literally. You can have both in your life. And life isn’t always about you. I may shy away at the thought of taking a thick spray to the face but dammit, I’ve watched women do it on the internet. And if they can do it, why can’t I? Oh you have to go to work? Fuck off. How long does it take to fizz his pants seltzer? Life will give you excuses but sometimes you gotta grab life by the horns. Suck it up. And take one for the team. Plus, how bad can it taste anyway?”
“Jerry, I just don't know! I tried doing the opposite of everything I know and it worked once. We went to the diner and instead of my usual chicken sandwich on rye and coffee I went with tuna and tea and met that woman. We only made it to second base! You know what! I'm doing double opposite George, Jerry!” George storms out the apartment and runs into Newman in the hallway and the mailbag spills everywhere. They start screaming at each other but George doubles down on his idea. He says "Newman I hate your guts, but a Double Opposite George now wants your nuts." They go back to Newman's and things get wild. After the encounter, George runs back to Jerry's apartment with his hair all messed up and the gang is all there. Kramer says "Wow George, you really look like a new man!"
*Cue bass guitar*
“Men have nipples. Does that mean I want to fuck my mates? No sir. Yet, it would be perfectly ok if I did. If you get horny at the sight of a female breast, it’s time to look in the mirror and realize that you’re a sinner with big meaty pepperonis yourself. If you must, stare at those. There’s no difference. I used to be like you. Then I weaned on my own nipples.”
“It doesn’t take a gay man to know that a handy is dandy. It doesn’t take a lesbian to realize pussy is delicious. These truths are self evident.”
“To that woman at the park offering her man fat-free cheese on whole grain bread: How dare you?”
“To the man trying to lose weight that asked for the check before his friends could order dessert: You should be ashamed.”
“Where dinner falls short for men everywhere: I’ll be there.”
“If I see a real bitch say he’s only getting salad, I’ll be there to order him nachos with extra sour cream.”
“If I see a wife close the menu on him when you know he wants dessert, expect 10 scoops and whipped cream to be coming his way.”
“Some say I’m a hero. Some say I’m a god. I call it ice cream social justice.”
“Of course I could eat the whole pie but everybody deserves a slice of it. That’s why I eat before dinner.”