"Oh really people? C'mon. His last name is Savage. The writing was on the wall and the cock was probably deep down her throat or full mast up her ass. New rule. If you’re trying to relieve your glory days on a new spin off of a show called "The Wonder Years" then do yourself a favor. How about you go down to a dive bar, put Bruce Springsteen on the jukebox, drink shitty beer and drunk babble to the bum next to you? Mkay!”
Jesse: Alright men. This is our night. The girls are at the movies and we get to pig out. If you know what I mean.
Danny: Jesse. I was born for this. Where's the vodka, I'll go first. Should I snort it?
Joey: (Popeye Impression) Eye eye eye. Cut. It. Out. We can't be doing nose candy or jungle juice. We're not children ok. We smoke cigars like the big boys.
Jesse: You're on the right track. But I'll put something even better in that mouth. You boys like sausages right? Ever been to a whole festival of them?
Danny: Now you're making me hungry Jesse. Don't lead us on. Where is the sausage? I could eat a horse right now. And a big horse.
Jesse: Oh don't worry Danny. You'll be stuffed.
Joey: I don't like the sound of this Jesse. It sounds like something I tried once in college. I'm gonna go watch Sesame Street.
Jesse: Ok Danny. It's just the two of us. All the sausage two men can eat. Well, don't just sit there. Relax. Close your eyes. And open your mouth. That's it.
Danny: Mmmmm what is? What? (Gag)
Joey walks in to tell them what Elmo just did
Jesse to Joey: It's not what it looks like!
Mr. Feeny: What seems to be troubling you Eric?
Eric: Well George... (Mr. Feeny interupts)
Mr. Feeny: Eric! You never address me by my first name in any circumstance whatsoever! You must always remain cordial and proper in your pleasantries, as you are the pupil. Now, commence with your situation.
Eric: Well, Mr. Feeny, me and bunch of guys and girls from college took a ride to Chubbies to get burgers and play pinball and pool, and and well...
Mr. Feeny: Eric! Tell me!
Eric: Well some of the older guys told told me to come behind Chubbies to the back parking lot. They had this bottle and told me to take a sip. It was really disgusting and it burned my lungs. But I started to feel really good. I felt amazing the more I took. Me and this older girl started kissing, but not like the one time I kissed a girl while playing spin the bottle. She... she... well... (Mr. Feeney interupts again)
Mr. Feeny: Eric! Tell me! Tell me more!
Eric: Well she... she... put her tongue in my mouth and I started getting this feeling in between my legs that was uncontrollable. And before I knew it, her hands were down my khakis and doing the thing I do to myself at bedtime and then the good feeling happened.
Mr. Feeny: Well now Eric! You are learning your ways in the fellowship. Even in your confused ways you never made any advances, you let the girl lead, and advance in the dance. Quite the gentleman, very impressive. Yet you still have much to learn! So what happened after?
Eric: Well, we took more a few more sips and got the Chubbie's Chili Cheese Fries. Before I knew it I was puking them all over the sidewalk after we stumbled back to John Adams School.
Mr Feeny: Eric!
It was my usual Thursday. It was payday. Beer at the stripclub after work It was!
However, this Thursday was different. I decided to stop at Applebee's to try one of those Irresist-A-Bowls. The Mac 'N Cheese Cheddar bowl really struck a note. Al dente penne pasta, lightly tossed in a rich Parmesan cream sauce topped with broccoli, shredded carrots, applewood-smoked bacon, and a savory mouthwatering blend of melted Cheddar cheeses. If it's anything, and I mean anything that could hold a candle close to a KFC Famous Bowl, then I was sold!
I entered the joint, and sat myself at the bar. I was the only one there and decided to moisten up my chops with a drink. Come to find out they have $1 Malibu Bahama Dollarmama's. Are you kidding me? I'm living at rack and manger with these cocktails! Might put this place out of business!
Well it's only part and parcel to take advantage of a great deal, and indeed I did. Screw the stripclub, all my singles are going here. So the bartender comes up to me and all I see is a worm in the apple. Pudgy, messy hair, and an unflattering shirt where just a little skin was popping out. A sight for sore eyes, but the deal is too good to give up. I start slamming these these ice cold 10 oz. 'mamas back. And for a $1, I doubt there's any alcohol in there. Albiet, there's alcohol in there, LOTS of alcohol in there.
Come to find out after drinking 8 of these in an hour, the girl behind had been adding more rum to all of my drinks because she thought I was charming, and that I tipped well. I don't remember the conversation we had, or how many more I drank after that until...
Now let me preface this first. I've never been woken up with smelling salts, but this aroma brought me out of a black out. It was like an overly pungent cheese. A Limburger, or maybe that Parmesan that would of been on my Irrisest-A-Bowl that I never got to order. It was like low tide at Bar Harbor.
That preface was just the tip of the iceberg. As I come to, I realize that we're both naked in the back of my 1996 Buick Roadmaster station wagon in the parking lot. And I'm completely raw dogging her from behind doggystle. Now if that wasn't bad enough, I took a nice glazing stare into her eyes, well her brown eye, that is.
If her ass was a main course, it had all the trimmings. A forest of hair that could dull a machete, little tidbits of toilet paper entangled within, and the aroma forementionted. I mean, being the drunken gentlemen I was, I finished in her mouth with an awful blowjob that could fuck up a wet dream.
Needless to say, if you're going to Applebee's, at least get an appetizer to soak up the suds. And if you're going to do regrettable things intoxicated, do it at a strip club where you still have some sort of class.
Mr. Feeny: Eric. We’re at Red Lobster. This isn’t your father’s dirty little strip club. Sit up straight and earn your seafood. You’re a Feeny Fellow after all. Right?
Eric: Yes Mr. Feeny! Absolutely sir!
Mr. Feeny: Eric stop screaming. This is Red Lobster for heaven’s sake. Be a role model. Again, I reiterate. You’re a Feeny Fellow. Not some trash eating out of a waste paper basket. Have some dignity. And unpop your collar. You look like a real doofus.
Eric: Ok Mr. Feeny. You’re right. I thought it looked cool but I guess I was wrong. Do I look better now?
Mr. Feeny: Much better. Now, be sure to neatly place that napkin on your lap and tell the waitress that you’re pleased with her service. It’ll give her a little pep in her step and make you look distinguished. It’s what you do at a place like this. This isn’t a sloppy brothel Eric. It’s Red Lobster. Be cordial and blend in. Who knows, maybe there’s an executive here that will notice the way you carry yourself.
Tom "The BreadBasket" Brady.
Went from the greatest quarterback of all time to to a typical armchair quarter back. Shows up every Sunday uninvited, sits in your recliner, calls every play, drinks all his beer then drinks everyone else's. Eats all the finger foods, and just stays long enough for wings before the 8 o'clock game kick off, and then promptly leaves when he gets the call from his wife to return home.
Famous quote: "It's my team's year this year, I can feel it! Team loses miserably and then complains the rest of the season about how much his team sucks but still wears jerseys and hats to every game.
A lot of people don’t realize that Jesse Ventura was the original Uncle Jesse on Full House.
"Tinder... is really like boxing. Right? Sometimes you gotta f*ck. Bang it outta the park. Pound that a*s. But sometimes you gotta duck. Hide. You mighta matched with a b*tch but it don't mean you gotta do the deed. Ya know?"
"What ever happened to predictability? The milkman, a paperboy, a tranny, or even HIV! You miss your old familiar friends, waiting for you around the bed! Everywhere you look, it's so hard, it's so hard, they got a cock for you! Everywhere you look, you look, there's a cock with a mouth that needs you! When you're lost out there, and without a bone, just follow the jizz trail to get you back home! Bah-du-du-da-bah-ba-dada!"